


Worth It

by findafight



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Memory Loss, Mutual Pining, he's a MESS i love him, others make appearances, pining Barba
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-08 17:58:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14110908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/findafight/pseuds/findafight
Summary: Sonny’s cheeks are tinged a pretty pink, Rafael thinks it'svery cute,and he must have a lot of painkillers in his system and be very much in love to think like that, but he finds he doesn’t mind much.“Uh. Yeah. Do you want some water?” Rafael shakes his head a little, there’s an IV in his arm, and he drank some the doctor gave him. He really only wants to talk to Sonny.Sonny nods and takes a hand through his hair, messing it up more, looking ruffled in a way that makes his chest tighten with affection. He must really love this man if ruffled hair and a Staten Island accent make him feel like this. He wonders how long they’ve been together.Or, Rafael loses four years worth of memories and assumes he and Sonny are dating, because he knows he loves him in his gut. Or his heart. Or something. Except...they aren't together. Yet.





	Worth It

**Author's Note:**

> Alex started us on memory loss au and then I suggested that muscle memory has Braba knowing he loves Sonny, and then I just. Ran really, really far with it. I originally put it in a million instalments in the gc because I'm a gremlin, but it wouldn't have been finished nearly as fast (or...ever...) if not for all the encouragement they gave me!! thank you guys!!  
> This is my first published Barisi fic, (I have...three wips oops I'm trying) I love this pairing a Whole Lot. Enjoy, and kudos/comment to encourage me to actually!! finish things!!!

Rafael gazes softly at the man sitting in the chair beside him. Long limbs folded into the small space greying hair falling out of its styling. The man his gut or his heart or maybe his whole body is telling him he loves, and nudges him for attention causing a startle but the man smiles, showing fumbles and crows feet and causing Rafael’s chest warms at the sight, not remembering anything about the man and only knowing he loves him. “I’m sorry I don’t remember your name...”

The man looks worried, sitting up more and leaning closer to Rafael, close enough to see blue eyes and the barest traces of blond still streaking through his hair. “Yeah. The doctor said you had memory loss, it should clear up in a few days though. I’m Sonny Carisi, we-“

Rafael smiles at the name,  _Sonny_ is very fitting for the man, bright smile and kind eyes, filling him with affection. He reaches up to run his thumb across the man's -Sonny’s- cheek, “Sonny,” he says, cutting him off from continuing.“It suits you”

Sonny blinks at him a few times before taking the hand off his cheek and holds it in his own.

Sonny’s cheeks are tinged a pretty pink, Rafael thinks it's _very cute_ , and he must have a lot of painkillers in his system and be very much in love to think like that, but he finds he doesn’t mind much.“Uh. Yeah. Do you want some water?”  Rafael shakes his head a little, there’s an IV in his arm, and he drank some the doctor gave him. He really only wants to talk to Sonny. 

Sonny nods and rakes a hand through his hair, messing it up more, looking ruffled in a way that makes his chest tighten with affection. He must really love this man if ruffled hair and a Staten Island accent make him feel like this. He wonders how long they’ve been together. 

“Do you want to tell me what you remember? And I can maybe fill in some blanks. Nothing too big, the doc didn’t want to shock you too bad, and you seem a bit groggy. Probably from the pain meds. They always make me really loopy and sleepy. I can let you sleep if you want?”

Rafael smiles lazily at Sonny’s rambling but tightens his hold on his hand when he tries to stand and suggests leaving. That’s not right, Sonny should stay beside him. Why would he want to leave? “Stay,” he asks. “Ask me questions. Easy ones. And then I’ll sleep. Please stay though, Sonny.”

Sonny looks a bit worried still, eyebrows furrowed and wrinkles on his forehead, lips pursed slightly. He nods and rubs his thumb soothingly over Rafael’s knuckles, though. “Ah, okay. I’ll stay. Uh. What year is it? Or do you think it is?”

The doctor already asked him this, part of determining his consciousness and the depth of his memory loss, but he supposes Sonny is trying to start off easy. “2014. Captain Cragen retired a couple weeks ago. To me, at least. The doctor told me it was 2018, and it must be if you’re here.” He hopes answering questions will make the worry lines on Sonny’s face fade, and even Rafael knows the amount of time to feel this relaxed and loving with someone must have taken him a few years. 

“Okay. You’re right about that. So I’m going to assume you don’t know me, since we met in September of 2014.”

“Not...really?” How do you describe knowing you love someone without remembering them? “I…I know I know you. Through a feeling.” 

Sonny lights up at that, surprised and curious, leaning forward again. His stomach flips again at the proximity. “Oh, that’s neat! Is it like, constant mild annoyance at my accent and the insatiable need to sass me? To show off that big Harvard brain of yours and prove me wrong?” He says it with a smirk and eyebrows raised, laughter in his eyes, like they’ve had this conversation before. Like they flirt like this often. Like it’s second nature to tease. Rafael smiles dopily at the words and the thought. He likes flirting with Sonny, likes Sonny flirting with him, likes the ease and familiarity he feels talking with him.  

He brings their linked hands to rest on his cheek and hums, letting his eyes flutter shut. He wants to ask how they met. But he mumbles out “something like that.” instead. He hears Sonny inhale and breath out slowly and squeezes his hand. “You can ask me more questions. I just wanna rest my-uhmm my eyes.” 

“You’re tryin’ real hard to stay awake, huh?” Rafael nods slightly, hums again.  “Okay. I’ll make you a deal, Barba. You go to sleep now and I’ll ask you more questions when you wake up, sound good?”

Sleep is already heavy on Rafael, pulling him into unconsciousness, so he doesn’t bother to wonder why his—what? partner? Boyfriend? Fiancé? _Husband?—_ Is calling him by his last name. He just manages to turn his head enough to kiss Sonny’s hand, still resting by his cheek and linked with his, whispering “sí, te amo.” so quietly he wasn't sure if it was heard, but hopefully the sentiment was known. 

————

Rafael wakes up an indeterminate amount of time later to Benson gingerly holding his hand at his other side, careful of the IV. She has reading glasses on and seems to be going through a case file. It’s comfortingly familiar, but he can’t help the disappointment that Sonny has left. 

She must notice him blinking awake and frowning at her because she smiles at him. “Hi, Rafa. Do you need anything? Water? Jello?”

He is thirsty, actually, and she helps him sip from the plastic cup on the table beside her. She gives him a small smile, her hands gentle, and affection for her fills his chest. They must have gotten closer over those four years he forgets. 

She’s setting the cup down when he says “Thanks, Olivia. Are we better friends now? We weren’t very close from what I remember but…” He lifts the hand holding hers.

She nods, “My son calls you Uncle Rafa, I assume that makes us close.”

“Ah. That’s. Nice. How is he?”

“Good, good. Sonny has taken him and Jessie to get food for a minute.”

“oh. When are they coming back?” Rafael should not be so excited to see Sonny, but he’s in love and in a hospital bed so he has decided to give himself some slack for it.

However, Benson’s smile turns into a grin and oh, yeah. They must certainly be good friends because only the women closest to Rafael grin at him like that, like they see right through him and now all his secrets. His mother, Rita, and now Olivia Benson all have the same expression when they know they know something he doesn’t want them too. Usually, he knows what it is, but he doesn’t right now, and it makes him feel more unbalanced than meeting the love of his life and not knowing his name. 

“Eager to see him again? We have gotten close, Rafa. Best friends, one could say. You tell me a lot about your little plans, especially regarding my detective.”

“Your detective? I don’t…” he blames waking up without any caffeine in his system for not knowing what she’s talking about.

Raising her eyebrows, Olivia shifts in her chair, tilting her head and scrutinizing him. “Carisi. Did he not introduce himself or something?”

Ah, she was talking about _Sonny_ , that must be what the knowing smirk is about. Sonny was on the squad, and Olivia _knew_ he was going to _propose_ but hadn’t got around to it. He was probably putting it off from of nerves. He wonders how long he spent trying to decide whether to ask him out or not, and if Olivia heard about that as well. He smiles at the thought of talking about his love life with someone, and nods. “I spoke to him, he just didn’t tell me he worked for you, only that we met in September 2014.”

“Hmm, how did you think you knew him, then?” 

He can tell she’s scaring his face, searching for something but he doesn’t know what. It’s a bit embarrassing that she’s called him out like this, but it’s not a wholly unfamiliar feeling, as though they’ve had discussions on his feeling’s for Sonny before, which they obviously have. The fact that most of these feelings _should_ be unfamiliar but aren’t is something he would rather not dwell on. He shifts, picks at the sheet with his free hand, and mumbles “I assumed we met in an ordinary way, coffee shop, bar, those kinds of places, not _work._ Though I shouldn’t be surprised, I doubt I’ve changed my late night work tendencies in the past four years enough to meet someone outside of work.”

Olivia leans forward, brows drawn “Rafael, what ar-”

There’s a knock on the door, and Sonny peaks his head through. Rafael doesn’t try to hold back his smile. “Hey, mind if we come in? Noah and Jessie want to say hi.”

“Sure,” he isn’t quite sure who Jessie is but assumes he should welcome in anyone associated with Sonny, who grins and steps into the room. 

One hand is holding that of a young child, who Rafael assumes is Noah, given the semi-toothless smile and enthusiastic “Uncle Rafa!” upon entering the room, the other balancing a blonde toddler on his hip, and Rafael’s heart skips a beat because Sonny is an obvious _natural_ with kids. For a split second, he wonders if the toddler he assumes is Jessie is _theirs,_ and they’ve started a little family he’s completely forgotten about. The notion nags at him but something about it doesn’t seem to fit quite right. Sonny would probably have mentioned their _daughter_ when he woke up and didn’t remember four years of his life. The doctor said no shocks but you can’t exactly hide having a _child._

Noah grips the side railing of his bed, trying to peer at him through the gap so Rafael can only see his eyes and the top of his head. He speaks excitedly, even as Olivia picks him up and settles him on her lap for a better view “Hi Uncle Rafa! I’m Noah, Mama told me you were sick and could remember things because of the accident, so I can tell you about what you missed I’m six now and I’m in kindergarten, and my favourite food is pasta.” he points to Sonny, standing in the corner by the window and bouncing Jessie, pointing out shapes in clouds. He looks over and grins, makes eye contact with Rafael and winks, causing his face to heat. He should be used to the man he’s planning on proposing to flirting with him, but apparently not. “That’s Uncle Sonny! He works with my mum and Auntie Amanda and Uncle Fin! He’s really fun and makes the _best_ food! The baby is Jessie, she’s like my sister except not because Auntie Amanda is her mom, but we play together a lot especially when uncle Sonny babysits us!”

Across the room, Sonny is still smiling and bouncing Jessie, who pats his face in what is assumed to be affection, given how Sonny’s dimples deepen. “you should slow down there, buddy, you don’t want to overwhelm Uncle Rafa, hmm?” He walks over and settles down in the chair he was in before, moving Jessie to stand on his thigh and let her bounce herself holding onto his arm. 

She spots Rafael in the bed and makes grabby hands at him, Sonny stopping her from falling off the chair with an arm around her waist. “Unc-Raf Hurt?” She asks, little voice trembling.

Sonny speaks softly, holding her close, and Rafael’s heart gives another squeeze in his chest. He’s pretty sure he wants this for _them._ Sonny soothing their own child and winking at Rafael and having a _family._ More than the one he’s somehow found for himself with the squad.

“Uncle Rafa got hurt, yeah, but his already getting better, see! He’s awake now, so we know he’s gonna start tryin’ to use _Rowan v. the US Post Office Department_ to get out of people sending him ' _get well soon'_ cards soon enough.”

Rafael huffs, because he _wouldn’t,_ then wonders how Sonny would know a law about junk mail _,_ but before he can ask, Noah groans dramatically. “Nooo. You’re good at talking about other stuff but you and Uncle Rafa always do that-that. What’d you call it mama?” 

Olivia is very obviously trying not to laugh “Legalese, sweetie. They talk in lawyer speak, because they’re both lawyers and they don’t know how to _not_ be lawyers. Just like you don’t know how to keep your room clean no matter how many times I ask.”

Noah nods ignoring the nagging. “Yeah! You guys talk about other stuff but then you end up talking about ‘ _well this case blah blah’_ or ‘ _that judge something blah’_ and then argue or go back to normal talk like nothing happened! It’s _weird.”_

The fact a six-year-old is telling him he essentially flirts with Sonny-who apparently has a _law degree, holy shit-_ by debating legal matters with him and is weird because of it should feel more unsettling than it does. He’s glad they have something other than the horror of their jobs in common, even if he gets teased by a kindergartener and his mom for it. He’s starting to think happiness is worth a little embarrassment.

He looks at Sonny, who’s blushing again, and smirks. “I may not remember him, but I’m pretty sure that’s because Sonny is usually wrong.” 

Sonny chokes and Olivia fails to contain her laughter anymore. “Even amnesiac Barba won’t give you a break, my goodness Carisi, you do leave an impression.”

“He did say something yesterday about remembering me through _feeling,”_ Sonny grumbles, though it seems put-on, making Olivia’s eyes widen in delight. He possibly needs a new best friend to forget.

“Did he now?” there’s the grin, the one that threatens blackmail material is known and can be used. 

Rafael doesn’t really mind, though, that she can read him like a book. He reaches to grab Sonny’s hand not helping Jessie balance, smiling as he does so, knowing it is far softer than anything he’s shown in probably years-at least, to him. He figures he smiles at Sonny like this often if how warm he feels is any indication. “Intuition is half your job,” there’s no bite to his words, as he presses a kiss to Sonny’s knuckles again, idly wondering how often he shows casual affection since Sonny is turning beet red. “and I have to trust mine now.”

Sonny swallows, “And, uh, what’s it telling you about me, then?”

Rafael smiles, happiness seeping out of him. “That I love you.”

Liv goes oddly silent, and Sonny is staring at him wide-eyed, slack-jawed and still even with Jessie fidgeting in his arms.

Noah breaks the silence by saying “ewww! No mushy stuff!” causing a nervous laugh to bubble from Sonny’s lips and Olivia to set him down and take his hand.

“Ah, I’ll take Jessie and we’ll look at the gift shop, yeah guys? We’ll let these two, uh, talk a bit.”

And for the first time since Rafael woke up in the wrong year, he feels like he has no clue what’s happening. Liv shuffles Noah and Jessie out of the room with barely a wave while Sonny stares at him, mouth moving but no words forming.

His stomach twists, because something is wrong here and he doesn’t know what. Sonny hasn’t pulled his hand away, so he squeezes it. “I hadn’t said it yet, had I?”

Sonny shakes his head, eyes never leaving Rafael, and the ball of anxiety rolls in Rafael’s stomach. This is not the reaction he had been expecting, not at all.

Sonny’s breathing is fast, he looks like he’s about to cry and is leaning close to Rafael across the railing with a wrinkle between his eyebrows and gasps “You do though? Really?”

He doesn’t know what to say anymore, so he nods and puts his hand on Sonny’s neck, careful of the IV and resting their foreheads together. “Yes, yes of course Sonny. I mean it. I _love you”_

Sonny’s breathing is uneven, and there’s wetness on his cheeks but it seems like he’s smiling, the unevenness coming from laughter, not sobs. His hand is still grasping Rafael’s, the other cupping his cheek as he scoots a knee onto the bed.

“I thought I was hearing things when you said it yesterday. Jeez, Rafael, I love you too. God, I love you, can I-can I kiss you?” it’s definitely laughter, interrupting Sonny speaking. Rafael nods and tilts his head up, brushing their lips together and feeling Sonny’s smile against his own.

They stay like that, trading soft kisses, for a long moment. Sonny pulls back only far enough to rest his forehead against his shoulder. He rubs Rafael’s cheek again, and he can feel him grinning widely with laughter still bubbling out of him. “Rafi, I gotta-uh, I gotta clear something up though okay? Like, I love you okay don’t doubt that I really do, _holy shit_ but uh, you’re probably wondering why Liv booked it out of here so fast, huh?”

Actually, he had almost forgotten that she had taken the kids out of the room, obviously worried about whatever his declaration produced, but he is curious about it now. He runs his hand gently through Sonny’s hair, content to hear why it was so dramatic if Liv was his best friend and presumably _knew_ about his feelings. “Sure,” 

Sonny sits up to look him in the eye, leaning into the hand moved to his cheek. His own resting on Rafael’s neck. He licks his lips, trying to suppress a smile. “I’m assuming you thought we were together, yeah?” Rafael nods “We-uh. We weren’t though. We haven’t ever dated, actually. That’s why it was out of the blue when you said you loved me.”

Immediately he goes to pull away from Sonny, humiliation burning his cheeks and twisting his stomach, _how could he have been so foolish of course they weren’t together_ but Sonny grips his hand and places his own over Rafael’s on his cheek. “No, no. Don’t run away from me, Rafi. I told you I love you and I _do_. Please believe me. We’ve been dancing around each other for y _ears_ , and I’ve been working up to asking you out but I guess you had to beat me to it. You’re always way more dramatic than me anyways.”

Rafael tries to process this new information. The fact he assumed he was in a relationship, that they were serious enough to think about having a _family_ with, based solely on the warmth in his chest and butterflies in his stomach when he looked at Sonny is mortifying, but he supposes he can forgive himself. Liv’s confusion at him thinking he met Sonny somewhere other than work makes sense, and he supposes his _little plans_ were about asking Sonny on a date and not _proposing_ to him. 

He removes his hand from over Rafael’s to rest over his heart. “I really do love you, Rafael.” And the worried little wrinkle between his eyes is back, and he moves to smooth it away.

“I love you too, Sonny. We can work this out, I’m sure. It’s just a happy accident.” The smile he receives is blinding.

———

There’s an odd beeping when Rafael wakes, tries to open his eyes against the sleep glueing them shut. He rubs it out and sees Rollins sitting beside him, flipping through an old celebrity gossip magazine. 

She glances up and smiles at him. “Mornin’ counsellor. How’re you feeling?”

He looks at her smile, just on the friendly side of predatory and has a horrible feeling. “I remember what year it is, if that’s what you mean.” and Amanda wrinkles her nose at that snark. A little desperately he adds “ _please_ tell me that was all a dream.”

Rollins’ grin turns unabashedly amused. “What? You mean you forgetting the last four years and thinking you and Carisi were an item and declaring your undying love for him? Sorry, that definitely happened, Barba.”

He tilts his head back and groans. That was not the answer he wanted. He was stuck in a hospital for at least another day and had embarrassed himself _thoroughly._

“For what it’s worth,” Amanda interrupts his pity party, “I’m glad you guys finally worked it out. You’ll be good together.” 

Rafael sighs, but smiles. It doesn’t really matter how they got together as long as they got there. He remembers thinking that happiness was worth a little embarrassment, and he thinks amnesiac him had a point. “I think we’ll be good for each other, too.”

She leans back and crosses her legs, smirking again. “Plus, now Sonny’ll stop pining loudly over you to me. You’ve saved me at least five ‘Ask him out!’ and three 'He does like you back!' pep talks. So, thanks.”

———

The whole squad, including their _new_ ADA, are crammed into a booth, Sonny pressed against his side, celebrating not only a win but belatedly their engagement. A year and a half away from prosecuting for SVU and still things seem relatively the same, no matter how much they have changed. 

Fin is still making unimpressed faces but laughing at his squad’s antics, Amanda is egging Sonny into taking shots, Olivia watches on benevolently. The ADA that replaced him fits in with them, teasing Sonny and sharing looks with Fin, looking at Olivia with reverence well deserved. 

They’re drunk, grinning loosely and lean over the table to talk to him, “Barba, Mr Barba, I gotta ask okay. I’ve heard rumours, and I just gotta know. And I’m not sure if I entirely trust Rollins on it. Did you really get a defendant to choke you out in open court? Is that true? Did it happen?”

His eyebrows lift and he takes a sip before answering, expecting them to ask about how he and Sonny got together. The old case is not the compared to that. “Yes.”

The pure glee and _shock_ painted on their face is worth it.

Amanda leans in from the other side of Sonny, just then, and says “With his belt! But that’s nothin’. Ask how these two got together, yeah? Sonny! Sonny stop trying to eat his face tell our nice new favourite ADA how the love of your life asked you out okay?”

Sonny, unfortunately, removes himself from where he was kissing behind Rafael’s ear and grins, eyes gleaming with excitement. “Ohhh it’s great! So about two years ago he got into an accident right?” he tells the ADA how they got together, Olivia adding her share, along with Amanda and Fin, who Rafael _knows_ wasn’t there until the day he was discharged because he had been working a case and wasn’t as emotionally attached to Barba as Sonny or Liv. 

The ADA smiles and laughs, rapt in the story of the great Rafael Barba’s utter _humiliation_ at his own hand _._ They had looked up to him, and he had been rather notorious, so he can imagine the reshaping of his image going on in their mind. Ruthless prosecutor to lovesick amnesiac, though now Rafael hasn’t been known as ruthless in years.

Sonny finishes by joyously exclaiming, “And now we’re getting married!” to a round of cheering and glass clinking, kissing Rafael quickly. However embarrassing it was, it did make for a good story. 

Plus, Rafael thinks as Sonny rests his head on his shoulder and fiddles with the engagement ring on his finger, watching Fin try to open a beer on the side of the table and Amanda critiquing his form, happiness is certainly worth it.


End file.
